“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.