I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers