Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I laughed at this way too hard.
*cough*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house