facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
You Might Also Like
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Just grow your own
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
He took my last fry, your honor
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I was bored.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.