My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Jesus Christ lmao
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.