A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
how to have an accident 101
Lmfaoooooo
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Pretty much. 🤣
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.