[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*