Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
You Might Also Like
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too