Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.