I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.