Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.