I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/