I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need