I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I WON A HAM TODAY
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.