Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister