murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.