Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.