Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.