I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”