What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Ummm
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Happy Febuary everyone!
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.