Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.