[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Breaking news:
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…