It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
at ease…shoulder.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
How to wake up a Beagle
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.