HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Oops I deleted….
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.