Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
how much for the angry fruit?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”