Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
The Punning Dead.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.