I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Is your wife single?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock