How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Ah..makes sense now
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*