Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe