Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
You Might Also Like
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”