Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.