Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I ate everything, including the H.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?