I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
You are not alone 💚
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner