Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.