I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
#SCOTUS one-star review
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.