Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
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[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.