Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.