*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this