You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.