Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.