There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
You Might Also Like
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
and now we wait
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.