My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”