“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday