Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
what
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach