[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.