Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My biological clock is wheezing.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
my retirement plan is braless
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….