*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Y’all know who you are.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.