Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*launders Kohls cash*
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I’m confused about plants
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜