Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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What’s so funny?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂