I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.